![\"Training](\"http:\/\/www.doorposts.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/05\/training-young-children-to-obey.jpg\")
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Last week<\/a> we considered what obedience looks like, and how our own example is an integral part of teaching our children.<\/p>\n Today I want to look more closely at some tactics for teaching young children<\/strong> to obey. My children are still young (ages 1, 3, 4, and 6), and I\u2019m thoroughly convinced that these early years are the prime time to be teaching obedience<\/strong>. (Next week, you’ll hear from my mama, with her perspective on teaching older children to respect parental authority.)<\/p>\n Our goal in teaching obedience now is to give our children the self-control and the maturity they will need to take responsibility for their own lives as young adults, when they\u2019re out from under our authority and directly accountable to God. Though we exert tight control in many areas now, we must aim to progressively lift this control<\/strong> and give our children more and more freedom as they grow. Our authority and control will decrease, and their personal responsibility will increase.<\/p>\n Parents of adult children tell me it\u2019s a rewarding process to make this transition from being the authority over your child to becoming his trusted counselor. We can\u2019t and shouldn\u2019t expect our children to obey us for the rest of their lives. This is a short season.<\/p>\n We don\u2019t want to spend all day in discipline mode. If you have little children, you\u2019re already working pretty hard just to keep them fed, clothed, rested, and occupied throughout the day. Establishing household routines helps reduce potential conflict points<\/strong>. When everyone knows that we get dressed for bed, get a drink of water, then read a story on the couch, and then go to bed, the children will know what to expect, and you won\u2019t have to give (or enforce) so many commands. This tactic made a huge difference in our home. Incidents of disobedience decreased as we settled into routines for cleaning up after meals, taking afternoon naps, and getting ready for bed. Children thrive on this kind of structure.<\/p>\n Have you ever noticed that the situations you most want your children to obey<\/strong> often occur at a time or place that it\u2019s hardest to discipline them effectively?<\/p>\n They act up during the church service, when we don\u2019t want to make a scene, or at bedtime, when we\u2019re getting tired and easily frustrated. At times like these, it\u2019s harder to keep our cool and to know what to do.<\/p>\n Sometimes it helps to set up a training opportunity at a time that\u2019s more conducive to teaching. Children can learn to sit still while you read stories at home before you expect them to sit still in church. They can learn to stay in their beds for a short naptime during the day, and then bedtime will be easier. Reminding them of your expectations before going into church or into the store can be helpful too.<\/p>\n Our children learned to respond with \u201cyes Daddy\u201d and \u201cyes Mommy\u201d when we made a silly game out of it and played that game with them for a few evenings. They loved it, and it helped them get into the habit. Having them respond when we talk to them helps us know they heard us, and it seems to help them obey more cheerfully and promptly too.<\/p>\n After reading Reb Bradley’s book Child Training Tips<\/a>, we realized that giving our young children too many choices throughout the day was making it harder for them to submit their will to ours. If preschoolers are allowed to be self-centered all day, choosing the clothes they will wear, the food they will eat, the stories we\u2019ll read them, and the activities we do with them, it’s not too surprising that they don\u2019t want to stay in their beds at bedtime. Our children seemed to get frustrated and even overwhelmed when we gave them too many choices (which I was doing mostly out of laziness). We had to take back almost all of these decisions until our children became at peace with us being in charge.<\/p>\n When it comes time to discipline for disobedience, we need to distinguish between rebellion<\/strong>, which is a rejection of our authority (and ultimately God\u2019s), and immaturity<\/strong>, which would include things like accidentally spilling their water or other non-moral issues. Children who make mistakes might need gentle instruction, but not chastisement.<\/p>\n We want to help our children own up to what they did wrong and apologize for disobeying (if they are old enough to do so). It took me a while to realize that it\u2019s more beneficial to ask \u201cwhat did you do wrong?\u201d instead of \u201cwhy did you do that?\u201d (Which, for some reason, is usually the first thought that comes into my head.) More often than not, they don\u2019t know why<\/strong>. Asking \u201cwhy?\u201d is an invitation for the child to think up excuses instead of taking responsibility. We should help them acknowledge what they did wrong, and then begin to teach them about the \u201cwhy.\u201d<\/p>\n When our children disobey, we shouldn\u2019t despair. We should be glad for the opportunity to do the real job God has given us. God didn\u2019t say \u201cmake sure your children obey cheerfully the first time.\u201d He told us to discipline our children and to raise them up \u201cin the nurture and admonition of the Lord.\u201d Our children are sinners (just like us), and their outward behavior reveals what\u2019s going on inside their hearts. Training methods like bribery, punishment, and various kinds of manipulation can produce well-behaved children. But that completely misses the point of Christian parenting. A disobedient child needs to see his sinful heart and the grace, hope, and strength to change that only Jesus<\/span> offers<\/strong>.This is where we can bring God’s Word into the process, both in pointing our children to God’s standards and then to what Jesus has done for us<\/a>. Even by age 3 or 4, young children can begin to grasp this.<\/p>\n In the Bible, disobedience and rebellion usually bring God\u2019s children painful consequences. Hebrews 12:6 says \u201cFor the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives,\u201d and Hebrews 12:11 tells us \u201cFor the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.\u201d God has ordained “the rod\u201d as the means of chastising disobedient children and keeping them in the “safe zone” of submission to proper authority. Coupled with love and verbal instruction, the rod can help reach a young child\u2019s heart.<\/p>\n For these reasons, controlled spanking is an appropriate part of our parenting toolbox. It is possible to misuse the rod, and so we must be careful not to spank when we\u2019re angry, frustrated, or out of control. We must not spank arbitrarily in an unpredictable way. Spanking must be done carefully, out of faith in God\u2019s instructions, as His agents for the good of our children.<\/p>\n There is a difference between discipline and punishment<\/a>. The goal of punishment is justice and retribution for a sin or crime. The goal of discipline is repentance, growth, and life. Discipline is designed to bring about change<\/em> in the person being disciplined. Discipline is concerned with the person\u2019s future<\/em> and well-being<\/em>.<\/p>\n As we saw in Part 2<\/a> a few weeks ago, God wants us to obey Him because He loves us and knows what is best for us<\/strong>, and we should have the same attitude towards our children. We need to approach discipline in a loving way, or we can send the wrong message. Our own frustrations and tiredness can easily get in the way. At times, it\u2019s best to send the child to one room while you go to another to cool down and pray for God\u2019s help<\/a> to discipline in love. Here\u2019s what a calm discipline session might look like with a two-year-old:<\/p>\n (In the bedroom, Dad is sitting on the edge of the bed, 2-year old son is in his lap and Dad is looking him in the eye.)<\/em><\/p>\n (seriously)<\/em> \u201cDid you obey Daddy?\u201d<\/p>\n (solemnly)<\/em> \u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cGod says you should obey mama and daddy. When you disobey, I have to give you a spanking. We\u2019re going to have two spankings now.\u201d<\/p>\n (bend over knee and give two spankings on the bottom)<\/em><\/p>\n (hug until done crying)<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cI love you.” —\u00a0 “Can you say, \u2018Daddy, I\u2019m sorry for disobeying\u2019?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m sorry for disobeying.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI forgive you.\u201d (hug again)<\/em> \u201cWill you obey Daddy next time?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cGood. Let\u2019s pray that God will help you. Dear Jesus, I thank you for ____ and for making me his daddy. Help him to obey Daddy. Thank you Jesus that you forgive us when we sin. Thank you that you love us. Help us to obey you. In your name we pray, amen.\u201d<\/p>\n (By this point he is back to his cheerful self, and they chat about something else or play around for a minute before leaving the room.)<\/em><\/p>\n I said earlier that this is a short season. But it doesn\u2019t feel like it now. It takes time. Disciplining for the same thing ten times in one day does not mean you are a failure. It might just mean you\u2019re doing your job. Faithful discipline should help our children grow in obedience, but we won’t ever<\/strong> have perfectly-behaved children who never sin. Still, we can trust that God is working through us. God calls us to love, discipline, pray, and trust Him with the results<\/a>, because only He can change hearts<\/strong>.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Note: Some of the suggestions in this post may not apply in the cases of adopted, foster care, or special needs children. In some situations, physical chastisement is\u00a0 prohibited, and at other times it\u2019s counterproductive if the child has a history of being abused.<\/em><\/p>\nIt’s a short season.
\n<\/strong><\/h2>\nRoutines are your friend.<\/strong><\/h2>\n
Train proactively.
\n<\/strong><\/h2>\nLimit their choices.<\/strong><\/h2>\n
Rebellion is the heart issue.<\/strong><\/h2>\n
Ask \u201cwhat?\u201d not \u201cwhy?\u201d<\/strong><\/h2>\n
Help them see their heart.<\/strong><\/h2>\n
The place for chastisement.<\/strong><\/h2>\n
Discipline is corrective, not punitive.<\/strong><\/h2>\n
Discipline is loving.<\/strong><\/h2>\n
Run with patience.
\n<\/strong><\/h2>\nRecommended resources:<\/strong><\/h2>\n
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